While most of you were spending the Thanksgiving holiday with your family and arguing over white meat or dark meat, my Thanksgiving was spent adrift in the southern Caribbean. My parents have been trying to get us to go on a cruise with them for the past 10 years and they finally wore us down. So yo ho ho and a bottle of rum it was….
I won’t got into details, but let’s just say cruising ain’t what it used to be. Bad food on the boat, no cute crew members to lust after and no signature cocktails. Did you hear that? No – signature – cocktails! What cruise doesn’t even have a special theme night where everyone is getting a little crazy and throwing back some cutesy named rum cocktail? I was looking forward to making nice with some hot foreign bartender and getting him to divulge his secret rum cocktail recipes so that I could share them with you. Flirting for the greater good is a lot like those new TSA uber pat downs. It doesn’t count as cheating if it’s for national security reasons (take that all you whiners who won’t let them grope your girlie or boy bits). Okay so rum cocktail recipes don’t exactly qualify as a national security issue, but given that we had 7 days of rain and clouds and woefully bad food, it does qualify as a serious mental health issue.
I had my requisite Yellow Birds one day when we went ashore (a few too many), and I’ll share that recipe with you at a later date (probably mid winter since the bright yellow color is a definite pick me up) but there’s too many ingredients to qualify it as a drink that makes it perfect for the holiday season. Right now, I’m all about easy cocktail party recipes (of course they need to taste good too).
So I hit up a bartender one day when we went ashore (screw those cruise bartenders) and asked him about local rum cocktail recipes (it was the Caribbean after all). We got to talking about Caribbean drinks in general (alcoholic and not). That’s when I learned about the Caribbean specialty called peanut punch. Inquiring more I learned that it’s an easy, non-alcoholic, concoction that can easily be made more adult with the addition of, wait for it….RUM. So when I got home, I got to experimentin’.
If you like peanut butter cups, you’re going to love this – a Peanut Butter Martini! I’ve been introducing you to rum martini’s and bourbon martini’s so you shouldn’t be too surprised by this one, although it’s actually another rum martini. This little peanut butter martini is the perfect addition to your holiday cocktail party recipes. Not everyone likes those big strong boozy cocktails. Sometimes your guests just want something that they can sip and feel all cozy inside. This sexy peanut butter cocktail is sure to please since it’s got the rich peanut butter flavor and a decadent twist of chocolate all without being sickeningly sweet.
This one is so obvious, I just have to do it. Peanut…penis…get it? Good, cuz here we go. I’ve been dying to get this off my chest for a few weeks now (God knows I don’t have a whole lot of room left lugging these tata’s around all the time) but I’ve been waiting for just the right time, and lucky you that time is now.
What is up with guys who think women want to see pictures of their wiener? Are they just feeling left out of the body parts as attention getters that women have enjoyed for all these years? Is it because they want to demystify men’s genetalia for the greater good (the greater good as yet to be determined or defined I might add)? Or is it because they think that women loooove looking and their schlongs?
This seemingly new found phenomenon even has a name, dickflashing, and its own website (said term dot come). As you can imagine, it is definitely not safe for work or even those with a morbid sense of curiosity. But rest assured, it’s a trend that unfortunately doesn’t seem to be shrinking but is growing (pun intended). Of course, why wouldn’t a guy think this is a cool thing to do when you’ve got athlete’s like Brett Favre doing it (dear Deadspin, thanks for giving me bad dreams about gray hair) or music superstars like Kanye West (thank you Media Take Out).
Here’s the deal guys. Most women do not want to see you rock out with your cock out, that’s just an expression. Especially if we’re not in a consensual relationship with you. Most of us aren’t going to be wooed by receiving a random shot of your man meat on our phones (rest assured, if is it’s really small we’ll have fun showing our friends how modern technology could make it bigger – love that re-sizing feature on my phone).
We get it, guys are visual creatures…you’re stimulated by seeing things (our girly bits for one). We’re also visually stimulated by your physicality but things like your piercing blue eyes, strong arms or six pack abs are more likely to get us all hot and bothered (send us pictures of those please). Having spoken to numerous women about this one thing is clear – keep it in your pants and keep your phone outside of your pants. Besides, didn’t your mama ever teach you not to put electronic gadgets near your penis? Listen to her, for once.
Caribbean Peanut Punch Recipe
Makes approximately 2 cups
- 1/4 Cup Creamy Peanut Butter
- 1 1/2 Cups Almond Milk
- 2 Tablespoons Honey
Place first 3 ingredients into a blender and blend for 30 seconds.
Add cinnamon and nutmeg to taste.
Peanut Butter Cup Martini Recipe
Makes 2-3 martinis
- 3 Ounces of Peanut Butter Punch
- 1 Ounce White Rum
- Chocolate Syrup
In an ice filled shaker, add the peanut butter punch and white rum.
Add stripes of chocolate syrup to the inside walls of a martini glass.
Pour contents of shaker into glasses and serve.