Maybe you’re just a casual reader of food blogs, which means you visit less than 3 food blogs in a week. Maybe you read them to get new ideas for dinner, instead of trying to feed your family the same 8 dishes in a regular 2 week rotation. Maybe you visit food blogs for self flagellation. Or maybe you’re just obsessed with the photographic food pr0n that’s served up to torment you during your diet dujour.
Whatever your reason for visiting food blogs, this list should serve as a warning to all ye who enter into this visually stimulating, yet utterly odd, world. While this list is appropriate any time of the year, it’s especially noteworthy around the holidays (not just this one…but ALL holidays).
1. Your kitchen will never contain what you need to make that recipe
You will never have the “right” kitchen gadget to complete the recipe. Food bloggers are woo’d by gadget companies who send them box after box of strange contraptions. If the blogger, who made that recipe you were so dying to make, wasn’t sent a free kitchenmajiggy thing to make it with, food bloggers also have a habit of buying the latest and greatest (read shiniest) thing that’s being touted by chefs or equipment manufacturers. I know a blogger who has a personal kitchen most chefs would give their left ANYTHING to have in their restaurant.
2. Pinterest is a Cock Tease
Spend enough hours
drooling gazing at the perfect food pictures on Pinterest and you’ll feel like that high school crush of yours that was always complaining about how you left him with azure orbs. Food bloggers don’t take pictures of their flops, disasters or less than perfect food…let alone post them. While they don’t necessarily want to make you feel inadequate about your cooking skills as much as they want you to aspire to be more…these pictures are always going to be there just to taunt you and your lack of culinary/artistic skill.
3. Hey, this recipe says it’s really easy
You’ve been sucked in by the favorite headline word of bloggers “easy” or “simple” and that amazingly gorgeous photo. You’ve read through the beautifully poetic prose, then PSYYYYYYYCH!!!! You’ve been bitch slapped with an impossibly long ingredient list (most of which you’ve never heard of), step by step instructions that number into the 30′s and it takes longer to make than waiting for karma to come around and bitch slap that co-worker of yours that stole your lunch out of the refrigerator. Why? Oh Why? Must you be tormented like this? Many food bloggers strive to fill their days with Sysiphian tasks…so should you.
4. OMG…those are sooooo cute, I’ve got to make them for the office potluck
Muahahaha…you’ve been sucked in. This is what you look like at hour 4 of making those “cute” fondant cupcake toppers. Those photos…the cuteness…it’s like looking at stray puppies or kittens. You just can’t look away and you want all of them ALL OF THEM!!!! All I can tell you is, don’t go towards the light, resist.
5. Pffft…This is easy, I can do this, I’m gonna start my own food blog
This is the way you look when you decide to start your own food blog. If these other people can do it…so can I. But mine will be better. Waaaaay better.
Six months later, the reality of your decision kicks in…and you begin to wonder what’s real anymore and if you can every have a life again. It looks a little something like this.
Yeah food blogs can be a soul sucking vortex, a fun escape, or a helpful tool. Don’t let those gorgeous photos suck you in and make you start feeling like crap because your food doesn’t look like what you’re seeing. Food bloggers have had plenty of time to prep and plan before cooking and photographing that food you’re seeing. Life isn’t quite what you see on the internet.
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